Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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