My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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