God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
