Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
