Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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