Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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