It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
