You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
