i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
