Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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