I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
