A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
