what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
