you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
