so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
