I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
