you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
