I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize