If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
