So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
