I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
