I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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