hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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