People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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