Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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