Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize