it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
