Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
