there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
