Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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