....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize