my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
