Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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