I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I pour the whiskey from now on
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
