So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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