I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
