NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
