We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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