Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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