The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
