hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
