All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize