Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize