Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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