I showed him my bush... on skype.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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