His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
