hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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