Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
