mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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