..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
