There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
