So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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