Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
