got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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