Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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