also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
