dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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