Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
