I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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